You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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