I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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