I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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