did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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