when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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