I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
