I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
