His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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