You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
