Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I forget how to act sober
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
