Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
