saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
