i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
