just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
