I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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