I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
