So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
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