Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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