my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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