Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
