The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Terrible idea I love it
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
