meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
