what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
