I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
