I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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