Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
