Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
