College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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