So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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