last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
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