i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
