I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
There r osticjed everywhere
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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