I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Enjoy the penises
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
