Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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