Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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