i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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