Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
