I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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