I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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