Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My ass is underappreciated
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
