He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
