No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Your penis caused this!
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