Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
