we have pet lesbian snakes
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
im about as happy as oj after his trial
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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