How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
