My pussy is not your playground.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
