She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
