I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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