I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
