I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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